


and my heart keeps beating on

by cactusboob



Category: Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986), Wristcutters: A Love Story (2006)
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicide, based on a the movie, mature rating because this deals with suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:13:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23265253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cactusboob/pseuds/cactusboob
Summary: when cameron lowers himself down in the ultra modern bathtub and runs the razor blades against the skin on his wrist, slow and steady and deep, he wasn't really expecting anything monumental to happen, afterwards. just, darkness and nothing and the feeling of being dead.which is what he gets for a little while, when he first bit the dust, or whatever. that's what he got, silence and nothing and an endless expanse of darkness and, then.and, then, he's falling. falling into an extremely bright light and, then. he's somewhere. somewhere gray and bland and boring. 'just like me, he thinks ruefully.'
Relationships: Ferris Bueller/Cameron Frye, Sloane Peterson/Original Male Character(s)
Kudos: 22





	1. the razor blade is mightier

**Author's Note:**

> i *suck* at dialogue

in the end,  _ somewhere _ turns out to be a purgatory, of sorts. but, for people who killed themselves. it sucks ass, maybe even more ass than life did. he does have a job though, at kamikaze pizza,  _ and _ an apartment, shared with a terribly neurotic bug-eyed fucker.

it's an  _ alright _ life, he supposes. er, afterlife.

it starts being a  _ maybe slightly better _ afterlife when he meets sloane, a very too cool and laid back for her own good type of person. he meets her after a truly, truly riveting game of 'guess how they killed themselves' with two random girls.

they're -they're being he and the two girls- trying to figure out how this one guy died when she, sloane, interrupts their inquiring and says, "why don't you try it with me?" and plops herself right down into the little semi-oval they had created.

one of the girls, a pretty brunette, murmurs to him," do you know her?" and, when he doesn't say anything in response, just staring at the then unnamed and unknown sloane, comes up with an excuse for her and her blonde friend to leave. she says, "we'll be right back.' but, according to sloane, she will not, in fact, be right back.

"so," cameron says after a few beats of silence, "what was it?"

"what was what?" sloane asks him, seeming to forget the whole reason they were even having a conversation right now. "how'd you, y'know." he makes a hand gesture that he hopes can be translated into 'kill yourself and, thus, ended up in this washed out wasteland'.

"oh, right, right. i, uh, electrocuted myself with a guitar."

"a guitar?"

"yes, a guitar. it was  _ wild _ .

"huh."

■●■

and, then, it turns out that sloane, oddly enough, lives with her _whole_ _family_ in the sad land of vague, barely there colors.

he gets to meet them, the next day (or maybe it's the day after? telling time here is very hard) and they're all very awesome and quirky. especially her little brother.

("i was ten. we had these soccer finals and, i was standing on the table, rope around my neck, crying my eyes out, and i'm saying 'give me a good reason not to, give me the meaning of life' and she tells me to get down and, when i do get down, she slaps me."

"slapped you?" cameron had echoed. 

"yeah, i still don't exactly what she meant by that but, it worked. until a couple of months ago."

■●■

_ "it's okay, cameron," his mother's soothing words are muffled by his hair," he doesn't mean it. it's okay." _

_ cameron knows she's lying, she knows that she's lying. _

_ it still makes him feel better, anyway. _

■●■

"did you finish my whipped cream?" and cameron can tell, even though while he's saying this, his voice is completely monotonous, that Terribly Neurotic Bug-eyed Fucker, or Ed for short, is completely pissed off. 

"calm down, i'll buy you some more."

"not the point. i wanted some now."

"do you have a plan b?"

"cameron," ed hissed, "you do this every time!"

"for god's sake, fine! i'll go buy your damned whipped cream now, yeah?"

and that's how he ended up in the market, looking for whipped cream. "cameron, is that you? aw, man, i was hoping i'd run into you soon." it takes him a moment to recognize who it is that's speaking to him, and then, it hits him like a ton of bricks.

it's his cousin, toby. "hey, toby. what're you doing here?" he asks, which, honestly, is just a very stupid question. "same as everyone else though, it does have a little bit to do with you."

"yeah, came here to get that dollar i owe ya?"

he laughs and says no and goes on some symbolic rant that he starts to tune out and. then, he says," but i think it was aunt karen's suicide that got my the most."

"aunt karen?'

"yeah-" and cameron's pretty sure he said something else but, he was off, power-walking through the aisles, until he gets to the door, all the while thinking, 'my mom could be here! i could see here again!"

■●■

they, he and sloane, end up driving around the wasteland in her beat up and mysterious volkswagen.

"hey, uh. try not to drop anything down that hole."

why?'

"you won't get it back."

■●■

_ and here's to you, mrs follyrush _

_ ruupert grint loves you more than you will know. _

_ oh bless you, please mrs follyrush. _

_ heaven holds a place for those who excel. _

_ hey, hey, hey. _

"i like it. it's got a nice beat, sloane."

"really? wow. okay. thanks, i guess."

■●■

and, then they meet ferris. ferris who is all snark and freewill and is very admit on the ideathat his suicide was accidental. he wants to find the 'the people in charge' whatever that is. sloane, the flirt, ends up making him uncomfortable in the first five minutes of him being with them.

they end up buying a tent, because, sure two people can sleep in a car (though they didn't enjoy it very much) but, can three?

"i wonder if people who die normally gets stars," ferris asks, quite randomly, while they're lounging in their tent. "like, i miss stars."

cameron's recently found out that sloane is terribly cynical and pessimistic so, when she sits up, her hair flowing after her, and says," yeah? well, you'll get used to it."

cameron has also, in the very little time he's known ferris, noticed that ferris is very stubborn and sanguine, so, cameron is not very surprised when he says, " well, i don't want to get used to it."

and, then, abruptly changes the subject. " this guy i rode with earlier? he's heard rumors of them. the, uh, people in charge. he says they wear white outfits and stuff."

"that's a ruck of shit." sloane grumbles, " white outfits. he was just trying to get in your pants."

"no he wasn't. he said that he thought i had a really good case."

"oh, and what makes your case so special, if you don't mind me asking."

"that i got here by mistake." 

"right, sure. we all got here by some mistake. and, believe you me, you have more of a chance to find your little people in white than i do to become a great rockstar."

"you could totally do that, sloane," is the first thing cameron says in this conversation. 

"whatever."

■●■

for a little while, ferris drives and while he drives, he stops everytime he sees a person and asks for "the people in charge" and cameron asks every person for karen, his mother.

eventually, they all end singing sloane's follyrush song together.

■●■

now, look, when cameron dropped those first pair of sunglasses, he really didn't mean to, and the same goes for when he dropped the second pair.

the clatter catches sloane's attention, who says," are you doing this just to fuck with me, cameron?"

"no, i'm not doing this on purpose, to fuck with you! why would-"

"you wanna see if my tiara falls down the whole?" sloane asks, only slightly hysterical, and throws the tiara that cameron still doesn't have a backstory for right into his lap.

"no! i don't wanna drop it down the hole! god, sloane!"

"people, people, please," ferris, who had previously been half asleep, says, "please stop bickering."

cameron and sloane continue to grumble, now a bit quieter, until ferris points out a diner. "perfect timing, ferris bueller!" sloane exclaims, maneuvering to car towards the diner.


	2. than the wrist with previous scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cameron may be losing his mind.
> 
> that's fine.
> 
> he'll figure it out.
> 
> without a doubt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here is the top three weird things i typed instead of cameron
> 
> xcnaeron  
> xcaneroob  
> xcameroon  
> xcamwron

do you really think i have a chance," sloane asks, once they're seated in the diner, eating some truly terrible burgers.

ferris is at the counter, asking about the people in charge. cameron watches him. he's got a nice face, really. a nice voice, too. "of course, yeah, duh." cameron says, his eyes still on ferris. 

"thanks." she's smiling. cameron doesn't think he's ever seen anymore smile in this hellscape.

■●■

 _"i can't even look at you right now," says his father and cameron thinks_ fuck you! _and_ love me _and_ i hate you! _and_ why can't you be proud of me?, _as his father looks at the big hole in the wall the car had gone through._

_cameron buys some razors a day or so later._

_■●■_

"my sister, jeanie, she was cool." ferris says. cameron doesn't know how this is what they're talking about now, families that they've left behind, families that had let them down. 

"yeah?" he prompts, even though ferris' sister jeanie, who was apparently cool, is last thing cameron wants to talk about. where's sloane? why is there no weed here? why does ferris look so bright?

"yeah. she was. she was a little mean, too. but, mostly, she was really cool. i'd never admit this out loud if i wasn't dead but, i kind of looked up to her. she was crazy determined." ferris has got a faraway smile on his face. turns out, ferris has a rather nice smile, as well.

"hey, um. how'd you die, anyway?" cameron asks, and watches as the smile slips from ferris's face, as his expression becomes hard and shut off.

"by accident," he says, sitting back in his seat and scooting all the way behind sloane's seat, looking at the window. 

sloane comes back from wherever she was right when cameron gets ready to apologize. 

■●■

when cameron drops his nuggets down the Mysterious Hole of Mysterious Disappearing Powers, he so close to crying and screaming and shouting and- how'd he get like this, even?

everything is building up, and up, and he can't take it. he wants to find his mom, he wants to figure out ferris' deal, and he wants to be alive again, and he wants to see real color and _goddamnit_ , he wants to fucking _laugh_.

he calms himself down, though. because he is not the type to lose control and throw tantrum. 

he thinks ferris notices, if the way he smiles slow and easy at cameron and is just so _nice_ to him, is anything to go by.

■●■

"i'm boring," cameron announces, somewhere between the eleventh and thirty-third day of their sad, sad adventure.

sloane has another one of her songs on. it's a pretty cool one. ferris is driving. he's in the back, sloane is in the passenger seat. he thinks he's losing his mind. this place is taking hold of him.

"nobody's boring, everybody's interesting in their own right," ferris says because he is ferris and ferris is optimistic to the point of hilarity. 

"yeah, you're kinda boring, cam," sloane (because she is sloane and sloane is pessimistic to the point of despair and pity) says, her tiara on her head and her thumb in her mouth. the words are unkind but her voice is not. 

cameron still hits the side of her arm. it's the principle of the thing.

■●■

_A miserable spider nestled somewhere in time_

_A patronising demon - no warnings, no signs_

_Judgment day and the an immoral goblin arrives_

_Eventually, they all commit crimes_

_The hopes went SMACK, there was no use turning back_

_'Cause I just had to see, was a ghost watching me?_

_In the mist the truth twists_

_Was all this swell, or just some kind of hell?_

_Five is the number of the ghost._

■●■

on another night, somewhere in the future or maybe somewhere in the past sloane says," you know what?"

and cameron says," you know what, no i don't."

and sloane laughs and says," our remarkable carrot love is just to strong." and laughs some more.

and cameron says," now, what does that mean?"

and sloane says," i don't know. maybe i'll figure it out."

and cameron nods his head and nods off to sleep.

_maybe i'll figure it out._

_■●■_

for a while, it all becomes repetitive and dull., drive, drive. question someone, bicker with sloane, stare at ferris, eat at some fucking horrible fucking diner, sleep. rinse, repeat. ad infinitum. 

**■●■**

_ My love for you is like the most remarkable carrot, _

_ Your face reminds me of beautiful butterflies, _

_ Together, we are like cornflakes and balsamic vinegar _

_ Oh darling Cameron, my remarkable carrot, _

_ My beautiful aubergine, _

_ The perfect companion to my cornflakes soul. _

_ Love ya, Lord Cameron! _

**■●■**

"was that song about me?" cameron asks, staring up at the sky, where the stars should be. he feels pretty good for once. someone had said that they'd seen his mom at some store or something. 

"no, dumbass. it was about candace cameron." sloane says, flicking the back of cameron's head. cameron flicks her arm. all of sloane's references are kind of dated. cameron's starting think she died  _ way  _ before he did. 

_ maybe people don't age here. it would make sense. _

"whatever," he says, thinking about getting in the tent and going to sleep. they'd been going nonstop for  _ days _ . he yawns. "thanks, y'know. no ones, uh. ever written a song for me, or anything."

"i'd imagine," sloane says, teasing and, due to the power of suggestion, yawning herself. "c'mon, let's go join ferris in sleepy-bye land."

■●■

_ "tell me, son, who made you like this? was it that goddamn daniels boy?" his father asked, his voice rising with every word. cameron flinches. _

_ he eyes the doors, one leads to the kitchen, the other leads to the dining room. he could get to the front door from the dining room but he could get to his mom's study from the kitchen. _

_ "answer me, young man," his dad yells again. he raises his fist and grabs for cameron. he misses and cameron breaks out in a run to the kitchen.  _

**■●■**

ferris, cameron decides one day, drunk off his ass, is just  _ too fucking pretty _ . but, in order to get to the why and how of this decision, there's gotta be some back-stepping.

somewhere between the fifty ninth and one hundredth thirty first day of their adventure, cameron, sloane, and ferris find  _ booze _ . or, more accurately sloane finds  _ booze _ . 

which is amazing, and miraculous and  _ divine _ . sloane refuses to disclose where she found the booze but, at the moment, that particular fact doesn't really matter. 

ferris doesn't want any, which is  _ outrageous _ \- outrageous and stupid-, really but, y'know, don't knock the way another cat swings or some such.

anyway, sloane and cameron get drunk, very much so. they get drunk enough for cameron to look at ferris and think,  _ wow. why, why are you so pretty?  _ drunk enough for him to let the walls down for a bit.


End file.
